What to do with feedback that stings

Someone tells you something about your work, or your leadership, and it lands badly. Within about four seconds you’ve got a rebuttal assembled, and within a day you’ve told two people a version of the story where you come off better.

This is normal and it’s also where most of the value gets lost.

Separate the sting from the signal

The sting is real information, but about you, not about the feedback. Pain tells you this matters to you. It does not tell you whether the feedback is accurate. Hard feedback can land because it hit something you half-believed, or because it’s unfair. Both hurt.

The sting tells you where to look. It doesn’t tell you what you’ll find.

So the sting is a locator, not a verdict. It tells you where to look.

The 24-hour rule

Don’t respond on the day beyond thanking them. Not to appear gracious. To let the defensive draft go stale. What’s left after a day is usually much closer to what you think.

Then write down two things: what’s true in it, and what isn’t. Both, in writing. Most people do one or the other in their head and stop.

Then decide what to do

• If it’s true and it matters, pick one behavior to change and tell the person you’re changing it. That last part is what makes it stick.
• If it’s true and it doesn’t matter, say so to yourself explicitly. Not every accurate observation about you needs acting on.
• If it’s false, ask what made them see it that way. Something did. That’s worth knowing even when the conclusion was wrong.
• If you can’t tell, ask for the specific example. “When did you see that?” is a fair question and it usually clarifies quickly.

One caution

Not all feedback deserves this process. Some is about the giver: their pressure, their day, their politics. The way to tell is whether it repeats across people who don’t talk to each other. One person’s view is data. Three people’s view is a pattern.